I've been reading a lot of baby books
Because we're having a baby.
I had grand ambitions to write many blog posts this year which have been somewhat curtailed by the fact that I have had to be planning a wedding, planning an interstate move, renting out my Canberra home, executing an interstate move, planning for a baby, organising rooftop solar for one property, organising rooftop solar for another property, selling a property, applying for a Fellowship, babysitting for my Adelaide siblings, exploring job opportunities, going on a game show, and also I have a day job and a pet dog and my bike has had two punctures since I moved to Adelaide.
But I would like to write more and I think the answer may be more ‘off dome’ pieces which are still good in some sense but are more so me just reflecting or writing to serve some interior purpose, which I find is a good angle anyway.
So with that in mind here are some baby books I would recommend. This is probably most relevant if you are having a baby, but honestly I wish I’d read these books earlier because I think it would have made me a much better support when people I knew had babies.
Book 1: The Baby Decision
If you are unsure about having a baby, or if you and your partner are perhaps on different sides of the issue, this book is a good place to start. It is, fundamentally, helping you to consider whether or not to have a baby. I found it really useful! And I think the author does an excellent job of being basically agnostic on the issue — you don’t end up feeling like they are trying to persuade you one way or the other. There are lots of thought exercises basically helping you to weigh up the pros and cons.
Probably the most useful thing I got from this book was the idea that the decision to have a second child is just as significant as the idea to have a first child. For me, it felt like having permission to have just one child made it feel a lot more achievable and like I could still hold on to some vestiges of an independent adult life. I suspect in reality I may end up with more than one child, but it was good to realise that it’s an option, and that it’s worth reflecting deeply before having a second.
Book 2: The Discontented Little Baby Book
This was my second baby read and came recommended from multiple parties. Its focus is what to do once the baby is actually born, so it may not be a priority read in the early days of pregnancy, but I’d encourage you to read it before the baby is born, because you won’t be reading much after that. It covers key areas such as feeding, sleeping, and play/stimulation, which is basically all that actually happens with babies. The author’s tone is a little bit insufferable, in that each chapter has a vignette where a desperate woman comes into her GP clinic as an emotional wreck and the author relates how she empathically and amazingly fixes everything with a few astute words. It does feel a bit much!
But it is apparently very good. I haven’t yet had a baby so the proof will be in the pudding, but I have heard many good things from parents. I think often the fundamental principle for new parents is to do what works for you, and this book is quite good at encouraging that sort of approach, in the face of, perhaps, certain conventional wisdom that pushes mothers in particular to ignore what their intuition is telling them.
Book 3: How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids
I also read this book on a recommendation, not because I intend to have a husband after kids, but because I intend to be a husband after kids, and hopefully not be hated. The author is a journalist in a heterosexual couple and they are struggling with all the work of children and her husband is useless and it’s causing a lot of stress and anger and yelling in their relationship. So over the course of the book she talks to various experts and tries various things and it ends up being a sort of narrative-driven self-help book less about raising a child and more about how to sustain a marriage (or equivalent) through the process.
All these books I’ve ready were engaging; this one perhaps could also be called funny, so that’s a claim to fame. The author is a good writer! It’s also very important of course not to hate your husband after kids. I’d say too that lots of what is in the book is good relationship advice in general. I should probably revisit her main takeaways but two that stuck with me were, firstly, “don’t shit on the gift”. That is, if you give your partner permission to take time out and do something nice for themselves (which should certainly be happening bilaterally in such a relationship), don’t subsequently be resenting them or getting angry at them for taking time out to do something nice for themselves.
Book 4: The Complete Australian Guide to Pregnancy and Birth
This book also came recommended! Such is the nature of having a baby. This book is the most broad and comprehensive book I’ve read which is really trying to be a thorough primer on every stage of pregnancy from 0 to 40 weeks, as well as the post-partum period. It’s also nice that it is Australian. This would probably be a good book to read early on or to read progressively over time, ie, read the section on first trimester when it’s relevant for you, and so on.
Because the book doesn’t focus on any particular bit it’s hard to single out any particular insight. I did like the inclusion of written ‘birth stories’ (the book is by the hosts of the Australian Birth Stories podcast). It’s also the first place I’ve learnt about the idea of sequestering colostrum with little syringes before the baby is born. I have found, since reading this book, that when things come up in conversations with midwives, I already know a bit about them, and it’s a useful thing to refer back to following such conversations. So overall I’d call that a strong endorsement.
Book 5: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
Golly there are lots of parenting books out there. There are so many facets to the experience! This one isn’t about pregnancy, or birth, or postpartum, or your relationship with your partner, it’s more about how to build a positive relationship with your child that supports their own healthy emotional development.
I endorse all of these books but this one is especially good I think (again, I am yet to put it to the test!). The author, Laura Markham, argues that children are pretty incapable of emotional self-regulation and about 95% of a parent’s role is to support the child’s emotional regulation, in large part by improving their own emotional self-regulation. Most of the book boils down to basically: regulate your own emotions, connect emotional with your child, and ‘coach, don’t control’. With this last point she is trying to say, don’t be punishing your child all the time. Rather, help them to want to do the right thing and to want to make amends when they don’t.
I suspect that the approach in this book would actually work if you applied it consistently, but I also suspect that most parents are not superhuman and so will inevitable get a bit overwhelmed at times. But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing! I feel like reading this book will nudge me towards being more emotionally connected more often, and that can only be a good thing. I would also say that a lot of this stuff applies to relationships more broadly and perhaps to management as well.
Book 6: Cribsheet
Emily Oster is an economist who has written multiple books about pregnancy. Her first, Expecting Better, looks at all the science around pregnancy. I did not read that book, although several people recommended it. Cribsheet takes a similar approach, but with a focus on the early years of parenting. What she basically does is look at all the key decisions around parenting and review the available research and synthesise it in a very good, accessible way. It is a good way to cut through some of the myth or anecdote or speculation around such things. (The title is also an excellent pun).
What Oster is particularly good at is not using the data to insist upon any particular course of action. Her overall view is that individuals can and should make the decision that’s best for them, which absolutely should include what works for the parents, and should be informed by existing research. When it comes to co-sleeping, for example, which has both benefits and risks, she lays out the pros and cons quite well, leaving the decision with the reader. It is a welcome approach. I would say that her book has made me more comfortable with (and better informed about) co-sleeping, and certainly much more keen on sleep training which does, apparently, actually work. Thank heavens.
Book 7: Matrescence: On the metamorphosis of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood
Early on in this journey I had an appetite for something that would engage with the “metaphysics” of pregnancy. I couldn’t quite pin down what I meant, other than the fact that the whole thing is transcendental and miraculous beyond words. Yes, I want to learn all the practical stuff but I also want to connect with that awful and amazing profundity at the heart of it. Matrescence is a book that I’m still reading but so far it’s been amazing and it is scratching this particular itch.
“Matrescence” refers to the creation of a mother, in the same way that adolescence is the creation of an adolescent. Author Lucy Jones, who has had three children, reflects on the incredible change wrought in her through this experience, comparing it to metamorphosis akin to that of a tadpole into a frog or a caterpillar into a butterfly. She is an ecological journalist and it truly is beautiful writing, integrating the wonder and brutality of the natural world with the rawness of pregnancy and birth. Last night I finished the section on birth and, to be honest, it was quite something. Partway through the section she has a 10cm circle of negative space surrounded by the words “this is how big it needs to be”. For those not in the know, first stage labour is over when the cervix is fully dilated to 10cm — at this point stage two labour begins, which is when the baby is actually pushed out through the opening.
Anyway, I looked at that page for some time. It turns out 10cm is an awful lot when you think about a a hole that big opening up in your partner’s body. On the other hand 10cm is terribly little when you think about a newborn baby fitting through that gap. It’s hard to reconcile the two images. But I do think this is a good example of what the book does — find poetic and new ways of trying to articulate the incredible contrasts and multitudes of the whole experience.
Just look at that page again. Just look at it. Holy crap.
I would say the book reminds me a fair bit of The Mushroom at the End of the World, and that is strong praise.
What’s next
It turns out I’ve read rather a lot of books on this topic! I’ve also read Making Babies which is more memoir style, not a practical guide, but is also good and probably a good way to get a sense of the broad contours of what it might be like becoming a mother (but with less philosophy, and less practical guidance.) Other books I have ready, but are yet to read, include And Baby Makes Three, which is very much about the relationship, and Raising Boys — not sure if we are having a boy, but if we have two children there’s a 25% chance that the book will end up being useful.
Sort of unintentionally these books do cover the whole gamut of the experience: deciding to have a baby, pregnancy, labour, becoming a mother, birth, raising a baby, raising a child, and somehow sustaining a relationship through all of that. It is a big job and honestly even if you aren’t the sort of person who reads books about this sort of thing, maybe give it a go.